Thursday, May 28, 2009

Royals Trading Greinke to Cardinals

The Kansas City Royals announced a surprising deal with the St. Louis Cardinals today, swapping ace Zack Greinke to cross-state rivals in exchange for much-needed transportation funding.

Royals GM Dayton Moore explained, "We saw that the Missouri legislature gave St. Louis millions of dollars in emergency transportation funding while Kansas City got shut out. We went over there for a series last week, and saw that fans can ride light rail to Busch Stadium. Then, the Cards took two out of three games from us, and we saw the light. They get forty thousand plus out there consistently; we get about half that."

Angry fans reacted to the loss of Zack Greinke, who is considered to be THE bright spot on the Royals roster. "It's not the lack of public transportation that keeps the fans away - it's the fact that the K is not downtown," one disappointed fan claimed.

Moore countered, "Another loss in Jefferson City. St. Louis gets state support for two downtown stadiums, while we are stuck outside the 435 loop. Until Kansas City starts winning in Jefferson City, I don't see the point in trying to compete."

For his part, Greinke was philosophical. "Kansas City is a great town. The people here are nice, and the lack of fans at the games really helped me get over my social anxiety disorder. But now I'm much better, and ready to play in front of a big crowd."

St. Louis coach Tony La Russa was enthusiastic. "I've got Carpenter back pitching great, and now I get a hot talent like Greinke. We've got fans, and Jefferson City loves tossing money our way. We could be headed to the Series again."

Republican legislators seemed pleased with the turn of events. Speaking anonymously, one Republican State Representative put it all in perspective, "Look, we voted against providing health insurance for poor kids this past session because poor kids don't make campaign contributions. The people in the luxury suites at Busch Stadium make big donations, though. If screwing Kansas City means that we make our campaign contributors happier, then that's the way I'm going to vote."

A Republican Senator added, "It's been a tough year economically, and maybe Missouri can't really afford to support two baseball teams. Maybe one really good team is a better way to go."

While Kansas City civic leaders were pleased to hear that they will be receiving additional transportation funding as a result of the deal, the future remains cloudy. Battle lines were being drawn over whether it should be spent on light rail, additional bus service, or better roads.

"As soon as we can all agree on a set of priorities, we'll be in fine shape to spend the money wisely," once civic leader predicted. "Unfortunately, by the time we all agree on a set of priorities, we will all be traveling by jet packs or atomic transporters."

Beloved Kansas City sports legend Don Denkinger had the final word on the subject. "I've always been a huge supporter of the Royals, and I know they can win no matter what it takes. No matter how things appear, the Royals are never out."

9 Comments:

Anonymous Nick said...

Well done.

5/28/2009 8:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Speaking anonymously, one Republican State Representative put it all in perspective, 'Look, we voted against providing health insurance for poor kids this past session because poor kids don't make campaign contributions. The people in the luxury suites at Busch Stadium make big donations, though. If screwing Kansas City means that we make our campaign contributors happier, then that's the way I'm going to vote.'"AND

"A Republican Senator added, 'It's been a tough year economically, and maybe Missouri can't really afford to support two baseball teams. Maybe one really good team is a better way to go.'"AND

"St. Louis coach Tony La Russa was enthusiastic. 'I've got Carpenter back pitching great, and now I get a hot talent like Greinke. We've got fans, and Jefferson City loves tossing money our way. We could be headed to the Series again.'"Love the satire. Are you channeling a KC BLue Blogger?

If any Rep. made such a statement they would be run out of town by both parties.

Anonymous my ass. I think you made it up.

Since we all know that Dan spends most of his free timing hanging with Republican Representatives and Senators, he probably got the quotes first hand. Tony LaRussa must have called Dan to give him that quote. It sure doesn’t appear anywhere else.

5/28/2009 9:10 AM  
Blogger "The D" said...

You're wrong Dan.

People don't go to the K becasue its not downtown. No one cares about the location of the staduim. Its the fact that the Royals ownership hasn't invested the money into the players on the field to get a winning product.

If the Royals were contenders or even if they played 500 ball then people would come out to the games. Location of the stadium has nothing to do with it.

But from the looks of it the managment may be turning the team around. They are playing well, and hopefully they can keep it up.

5/28/2009 9:14 AM  
Blogger les said...

Nicely played, sir.

Anonymouse: Anonymous my ass. I think you made it up.Dan, you're approaching Jon Swift territory. Congrats.

5/28/2009 9:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let's trade the rest of the team for an excellent education for all of our youth!

5/28/2009 11:00 AM  
Anonymous inafunkaboutthefunk said...

Anything is better than listening to you ramble on in support of the hapless Funk... even your modern version of War of the Worlds. Nice going Danny, even though you are not to be confused with Orson Welles.

5/28/2009 9:02 PM  
Blogger Capt. Geoffrey Spaulding said...

I want to trade Mark Teahen for some real- free-range hens.

They'd be FAR more productive.

Cheers Dan and good luck removing that tongue-in-cheek from same!

bfg

5/29/2009 12:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Key differences between Dan's blog and The Onion: The Onion's humor is not in-your-face obvious and, as a result, is actually funny.

Dan - Reading this and other recent posts (see 80% support Funk post) is like reading Ziggy.

5/30/2009 4:48 PM  
Blogger Dan said...

You're entitled to a complete refund of your subscription cost.

5/30/2009 4:57 PM  

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