Let a Smile be Your Umbrella

From a couple friends on a listserve, here are a few new ones, a lot of golden oldies, and, I hope, a bunch of chuckles.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).. a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

17. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillow cases? They are making headlines everywhere.

18. Why do chicken coops have two doors? Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans.

19. A termite walks into a bar and says is the bar tender here?

20. A skeleton walks into a bar and says give me a beer and a mop....

21. A Neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "how much for a beer?" Bartender, "for you, no charge."

22, Two hydrogen atoms were talking, "I lost my electron this morning." "Are you sure?" "Yes. I'm positive."