Koster Reveals Election Plans - Gone Mild Exclusive

Chris Koster has been rumored to be planning a run for Missouri Attorney General since he switched parties on August 1. Gone Mild has discovered that Chris "Capricious" Koster has set his eyes on a far more ambitious electoral agenda, running for a full slate of offices across the globe, tossing his hat in the ring for dozens upon dozens of positions. "My willingness to serve resembles my ego - it is expansive and ever-growing," Koster gushed. "Whenever I see a name in the paper, I think it ought to be mine . . ."

Most political analysts attributed his rat-like behavior in abandoning the sinking Republican ship to a desire to run for the Democratic nomination for Missouri Attorney General. Indeed, Koster admits, that was his primary motivation. Koster explains, "Party labels don't matter as much as Chris Koster matters, so, sure, I was willing to play whatever game and say whatever needed saying to make it easier for me. But when I freed myself of my principles, I saw a whole world of opportunity waiting for me. Without principles, the world is my oyster."

Reflecting the type of original thinking that allows a man to believe he deserves a statewide nomination from a party he has not belonged to for even two full months, Koster has decided that if offices have slates of candidates, it's only fair that candidates should have slates of offices. "Makes sense to me," Koster quips.

Here is a partial list of the offices that Chris Koster has decided to run for (more are being added on a weekly basis):

Democratic Nomination for Missouri Attorney General
Class President, Sweet Springs High School (Mo) Sophomore class
Neighborhood Welcome Committee Chair, Rancho Mirage (Ca) Neighborhood Association
Hall Monitor, Miss Donnelly's Second Grade Class, Lincoln Elementary School, Wilmington, Delaware
Minister of Cultural Affairs, Guam
Chief Bikini Inspector, Juan's Cabana, Cancun, Mexico
Pep Club President, Hazelwood East High School, Hazelwood, Missouri
Social Committee Chair, Delta Delta Delta Sorority, Truman State University
Employee of the Month, Omaha, Nebraska Wal-Mart
President, Mug Club, 75th Street Brewery, Kansas City, Mo.
Mayor, Nagpur, India
County Legislator, Washington County, Illinois
Village Elder, Mtondia, Kenya
Captain, Springfield "Strikers" U-12 Soccer Team, Massachusetts

Not surprisingly, Koster's electoral ambitions have caught many by surprise, including the other candidates running for the offices. Tiffany Smith, the current front-runner for Pep Club President at Hazelwood East, protested that Chris Koster is not even a student at the school. "We are the Spartans, the mighty, mighty Spartans, and Chris Koster isn't a Spartan. Why should he be allowed to run for the most important Spartan booster in the school? It isn't right!", she said, tearing up and biting her lip.

"I'm not a Democrat, either," Koster responded, "but they're letting me run for Attorney General as one. At least I haven't spent the last 3 years working AGAINST the Spartans, like I have the Democrats . . ."

One of the leading village elders of Mtondia, Kenya, responded to Koster's candidacy with a curt "Chris Koster can atanonea my muta mkundu." He spoke on the condition of anonymity, though, because he heard that Koster has the support of several unions. "I don't want saruji viatu."

Here in Missouri, Koster's announcements have raised eyebrows, but some political analysts are congratulating him on a bold move. "I've looked at the bylaws and rules applying to each of the positions he's running for, and he's found a loophole, in that none of them actually require residence or membership in the respective group. They just assumed that anyone running would actually be a member. But, if Chris Koster can run as a Democrat after 3 years of attacking everything that Democrats stand for, why shouldn't he be able to run for Sophomore class President of Sweet Springs?", says UMKC Political Science Professor Mike Andrews. "Besides, if I say anything bad about the plan, he threatens to run against me for chair of the department."

Some suspect that this may be a scheme to hold onto big donations he has received that violate the reinstated caps. Koster has been rumored to be working to come up with ways to circumvent the law, perhaps through claiming some kind of bogus hardship.

"There are no campaign limitations in the bylaws of the 75th Street Brewery Mug Club," reports Koster, flashing his perfect pearly-white teeth. "If the unions and a few trial lawyers who have supported me so far want to donate to my Mug Club candidacy, then I can do massive media buys across the state talking about my good looks. It just so happens that my good looks are also my strongest qualification for Attorney General."

As mentioned above, Koster is still looking for more positions to contain his ambition. Gone Mild suggests that if Koster calls you and seeks your support, that you offer it to him in the form of another position he could run for. Like, maybe District 31 Senator. As a Democrat. Wouldn't that be nice?