Sunday, September 23, 2007

Koster Reveals Election Plans - Gone Mild Exclusive


Chris Koster has been rumored to be planning a run for Missouri Attorney General since he switched parties on August 1. Gone Mild has discovered that Chris "Capricious" Koster has set his eyes on a far more ambitious electoral agenda, running for a full slate of offices across the globe, tossing his hat in the ring for dozens upon dozens of positions. "My willingness to serve resembles my ego - it is expansive and ever-growing," Koster gushed. "Whenever I see a name in the paper, I think it ought to be mine . . ."

Most political analysts attributed his rat-like behavior in abandoning the sinking Republican ship to a desire to run for the Democratic nomination for Missouri Attorney General. Indeed, Koster admits, that was his primary motivation. Koster explains, "Party labels don't matter as much as Chris Koster matters, so, sure, I was willing to play whatever game and say whatever needed saying to make it easier for me. But when I freed myself of my principles, I saw a whole world of opportunity waiting for me. Without principles, the world is my oyster."

Reflecting the type of original thinking that allows a man to believe he deserves a statewide nomination from a party he has not belonged to for even two full months, Koster has decided that if offices have slates of candidates, it's only fair that candidates should have slates of offices. "Makes sense to me," Koster quips.

Here is a partial list of the offices that Chris Koster has decided to run for (more are being added on a weekly basis):

Democratic Nomination for Missouri Attorney General
Class President, Sweet Springs High School (Mo) Sophomore class
Neighborhood Welcome Committee Chair, Rancho Mirage (Ca) Neighborhood Association
Hall Monitor, Miss Donnelly's Second Grade Class, Lincoln Elementary School, Wilmington, Delaware
Minister of Cultural Affairs, Guam
Chief Bikini Inspector, Juan's Cabana, Cancun, Mexico
Pep Club President, Hazelwood East High School, Hazelwood, Missouri
Social Committee Chair, Delta Delta Delta Sorority, Truman State University
Employee of the Month, Omaha, Nebraska Wal-Mart
President, Mug Club, 75th Street Brewery, Kansas City, Mo.
Mayor, Nagpur, India
County Legislator, Washington County, Illinois
Village Elder, Mtondia, Kenya
Captain, Springfield "Strikers" U-12 Soccer Team, Massachusetts


Not surprisingly, Koster's electoral ambitions have caught many by surprise, including the other candidates running for the offices. Tiffany Smith, the current front-runner for Pep Club President at Hazelwood East, protested that Chris Koster is not even a student at the school. "We are the Spartans, the mighty, mighty Spartans, and Chris Koster isn't a Spartan. Why should he be allowed to run for the most important Spartan booster in the school? It isn't right!", she said, tearing up and biting her lip.

"I'm not a Democrat, either," Koster responded, "but they're letting me run for Attorney General as one. At least I haven't spent the last 3 years working AGAINST the Spartans, like I have the Democrats . . ."

One of the leading village elders of Mtondia, Kenya, responded to Koster's candidacy with a curt "Chris Koster can atanonea my muta mkundu." He spoke on the condition of anonymity, though, because he heard that Koster has the support of several unions. "I don't want saruji viatu."

Here in Missouri, Koster's announcements have raised eyebrows, but some political analysts are congratulating him on a bold move. "I've looked at the bylaws and rules applying to each of the positions he's running for, and he's found a loophole, in that none of them actually require residence or membership in the respective group. They just assumed that anyone running would actually be a member. But, if Chris Koster can run as a Democrat after 3 years of attacking everything that Democrats stand for, why shouldn't he be able to run for Sophomore class President of Sweet Springs?", says UMKC Political Science Professor Mike Andrews. "Besides, if I say anything bad about the plan, he threatens to run against me for chair of the department."

Some suspect that this may be a scheme to hold onto big donations he has received that violate the reinstated caps. Koster has been rumored to be working to come up with ways to circumvent the law, perhaps through claiming some kind of bogus hardship.

"There are no campaign limitations in the bylaws of the 75th Street Brewery Mug Club," reports Koster, flashing his perfect pearly-white teeth. "If the unions and a few trial lawyers who have supported me so far want to donate to my Mug Club candidacy, then I can do massive media buys across the state talking about my good looks. It just so happens that my good looks are also my strongest qualification for Attorney General."

As mentioned above, Koster is still looking for more positions to contain his ambition. Gone Mild suggests that if Koster calls you and seeks your support, that you offer it to him in the form of another position he could run for. Like, maybe District 31 Senator. As a Democrat. Wouldn't that be nice?

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27 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dan - I enjoy The Onion as well, but your attempt to immitate didn't work - not even close. Forget where one stands on Koster, your post really isn't funny. Stick with the serious stuff. Please.

9/23/2007 3:16 PM  
Blogger Dan said...

You didn't like it? I thought it was hilarious. Oh, well, some people have no sense of humor. Email me for a full refund . . .

9/23/2007 4:00 PM  
Blogger Stephen Bough said...

Dan, you are right, the 75th Street Brewery doesn't have bylaws.

Humor in politics, no one has tried that since the founding fathers.

Maybe you can do part II for all the making up Chris will have to do with Justus at the new UMKC Nursing school, speaking to Dems at the Mel Carnahan Democratic PAC and meeting medicare folks in the ER room getting treated for a cold

9/23/2007 4:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let's hope Koster has both a sense of humor and forgiving nature. Otherwise, the man might just seek some payback after winning the primary.

9/23/2007 4:58 PM  
Blogger Dan said...

I'm not very worried about that, anonymous, for a whole bunch of reasons.

9/23/2007 5:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought it was funny as hell. If Koster wins the primary I leaving the AG ballot blank.

9/23/2007 5:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Way to be inclusive, big umbrella there Dan

I'm sure if there are other Republicans out there considering a switch (Bob Johnson) they'll be pleased to know one of the many unofficial mouthpieces of the Democratic Party makes them feel good about the tremendous political risk in switching - why don't you go down to unity and shout down some alcoholics trying to get help

Didn't see this type of sardonicism when Boyda was taking back the US House or Paul Morrison unseating Kline - both former Republicans switching parties SPECIFICALLY to run for higher office - whats the difference? They live in Kansas? Be sincere.

This mentality is why the Democrats lost Missouri. And it will be the same foolish short sighted behavior that lets Catharine Hanaway become the chief law enforcement officer in the state.

Is Koster serious? I don't know.

Will he abandon the principles he currently embraces if the political winds shift again? I don't know.

And neither do you Dan.

What I do know is Koster has apologized to Senator Justus for signing the PQ. He does have to explain why he voted to cut healthcare. And he needs to have other Democrats give him a chance to recover from years of Republicoholism.

But, alas, that would be discussing the issues of the AG race - instead of a poorly disguised intra-party hit job by a fly by night operative, believing he's being a good soldier

9/24/2007 1:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First a shot at Donnely and now a blast to Koster...

Boy I wonder who Gonemild is behind?

Dan's dream - Kander and Harris holding hands romping through a field of sunflowers

9/24/2007 1:59 AM  
Blogger Dan said...

I met Koster about 20 years ago, and formed my own opinion of him long before he flip-flopped parties. Way back in 2005, I wrote "It has been well-established that Missouri Senator Chris Koster is a legislative roundheels, willing to sell out even his view of human life for enough corporate dollars."

I will be happy to endorse Koster in the Senate race. But not one of the most important state-wide offices.

Go ahead and assure Bob Johnson that if he switches parties, Gone Mild will promise not to make fun of him.

And I'm hardly a fly-by-night operative - I'm just a volunteer writing his own thoughts. The fact that those thoughts are funnier and more astute than yours is my good fortune.

9/24/2007 6:22 AM  
Anonymous Paco said...

Loved it! Again, a Gone Mild highlight.

9/24/2007 8:36 AM  
Blogger sophia said...

Anon 1:52,

I think it's going to take more than a "my bad" to Justus to make up for that PQ. And yes, being in Kansas is a pretty big difference. Red state vs. swing state. We've had considerably more success electing Dems to statewide office here in Missouri. We don't need former Republicans to do it. A former republican would, however, come in handy for winning the 31st district senate race and helping us regain control of the legislature.

Koster is more than welcome into the fold - he's always been free to vote for D candidates and support D issues. And I can't imagine any democrat would be upset to see him defend his seat as a Democrat. If he does that, he shows support for the institution and a commitment to reversing the effects of some of his prior bad conduct.

In that scenario, he brings something more to the table than his resume and a smile. His recovery from "Republicoholism," could be closely supported and mentored. He could work to get other Dems elected to the state senate. A candidate who was sincere in his conversion to the Democratic Party would do that. A candidate who did that would, I think, earn considerable good will.

9/24/2007 9:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sophia -

"We've had considerably more success electing Dems to statewide office here in Missouri."

Ummm. Then why exactly do Repubs control the General Assembly and the Guv's mansion? Great approach, Sophia. Democrats should keep doing what they have been doing. It really seems to be working.

This is the problem with blogging. Any self-proclaimed "political insider" can write an illogical diatribe.

9/24/2007 1:19 PM  
Blogger KC Sponge said...

I hear there's an opening for treasurer of the "I'm Almost as Cool as Sandie Club" - but you do have to pass some tests, and pay $10 (for the t-shirt and laminated card.)

9/24/2007 1:52 PM  
Blogger les said...

I wasn't going to say this, it being irrelevant and all, but that picture scares the bejebus out of me.

9/25/2007 8:21 AM  
Blogger sophia said...

Anon 1:19,

Seats in the General Assembly are not state wide offices. The Dems have work to do to regain control of the assembly, but it's not necessary for them to become the Moderate Republican party to do it.

Any self-proclaimed "political insider" can write an illogical diatribe.

As a self-proclaimed "random person on the internet," I will merely note how weak your counter-argument was (a majority of republicans in local offices means dems can't get elected to state wide offices!!!) and suggest that you re-read what I originally wrote and reconsider whether or not I'm indentifying a useful place for former republicans in the democratic party.

9/25/2007 12:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sophia -

"[I]ndentifying" is not a word.

9/25/2007 5:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For those of you keeping score.

Gov - R
Lt. Gov - R
AG - D
Treasurer - R
Aud - D
Sec of State - D

statewide = 3 to 3

Senate - 19 R - 14 D
House - 92 R - 70 D

I wouldn't say with the top two positions in the state belonging to a Republican that Dems have no problem electing statewides. In 09 with Nixon/Page in office, your argument will hold water. Right now we conrol nothing! And that ain't local baby....

9/25/2007 6:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Koster will be the next AG - he may be a snake oil salesman - but he is a damn good snake oil salesman

He will out work all of the other candidates - end of story

9/25/2007 9:09 PM  
Blogger Dan said...

Mrs. Koster, welcome to my blog, but you're cocky assurances are completely unconvincing. The harder Chris works, the more he looks like a Republican trying to pass himself as a democrat. Harris is a real democrat and will win.

9/25/2007 9:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

YES!

finally a Democrat admits they don't work hard

something we Republicans have known for years

for some this is exactly why we are Republicans

btw you can have Koster

Hanaway is an unstoppable freight train comming down the tracks

CHOO CHOO!!

9/25/2007 11:37 PM  
Blogger Dan said...

No, anonymous, this Dem said nothing in opposition to hard work. But I did make the observation that the harder Chris works, the less people like him. It takes a true Republican to remain so oblivious to the impact of the work being done - a la Bush, etc.

9/26/2007 6:12 AM  
Blogger sophia said...

Anon 5:32,

Pointing out typos is not an argument. But thanks for using the brackets, because you know I was totally ready to call you out for capitalizing it when mine was lower cased.

Anon 6:16,

3 Ds and 3 Rs in Jeff City, account for 1 D and 1 R in the US Senate -- that's parity, not an ass kicking. Holding half the seats in a two party system in a swing state is pretty much the mean.

9/26/2007 12:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, Dan screwed up "you're"! Hah-hah! He's almost as dumb as Sophia! (By dumb, I mean that he - like Sophia - is completely correct on logic and facts, but he made a grammatical error, so those of us who comment anonymously get to knock him for irrelevant points.)

9/26/2007 1:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anon 1:03 pm

You are wrong. Proper grammar and punctutation are not "irrelevant." If Sophia is unable to spell or string together a complete sentence (as she seems incapable of doing), why should you expect anyone to pay attention to the substance of her comments? I, for one, cannot take her seriously. "[I]ndentifying is not a word.

9/26/2007 5:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, anonymous, you're being silly. Sophia writes well, as does Dan. One typo does not undercut credibility on a blog. And if you read more carefully, you'd realize that nobody here has claimed that punctuation and grammar are irrelevant. Making shit like that up is far worse for your credibility than spelling a word wrong.

9/26/2007 5:31 PM  
Blogger sophia said...

I'm completely sincere about my bracket love. It makes me giggle every time you do it. But I noticed you forgot to close out your quotation. Way to protect your flank, Mr. Strunk.

9/27/2007 11:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Personally, I think this is hilarious and Dan should write more pieces like this!

9/29/2007 9:13 AM  

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