Immigration Solution

I'm a problem solver by nature, so I don't want to simply make fun of the white people who are proposing extreme measures to hunt down, punish and deport brown people. It would be beneath me to question their humanity or their own right to be in this country. Simply stated, I'm not going to point out that most of them are descendants of people who went through roughly the same level of approval before entering this country as any fence-jumper they can find on TV. I'm also not going to sink to the level of pointing out that the families of many of those brown people were here long before the borders were drawn by the uninvited white people.

Now, I see that some right-wingers want to take away the rights of "anchor babies" - children are born in this country, but have parents who have not jumped through all the hoops to obtain citizenship. Now, my work causes me to see a bunch of kids who probably fall into this category, and they are bright, beautiful children. Certainly as bright and beautiful as the children of any of the people I've seen complaining about immigrants.

So I got to thinking. Clearly, this is not a matter of race, because the anti-immigrationists are careful to tell me all the time that they are not racists. So, I suppose they're not, because they're Americans, and wouldn't lie. Also, this is clearly not about economic protectionism, because real Americans like competition, and trust in it to make the economic engine of our country run at maximum RPM. Finally, this is clearly not about inheriting a right to be here because of choices your parents made, because America is, above all, about democracy and a rejection of English notions of nobility and inherited titles.

Since we've reached a point where deporting children born here in America is sounding like a good idea to pundits and Republicans, I think we need to accept that idea and expand upon it. We're already quite comfortable with our government splitting up families over immigration issues - it happens all the time, and I defy you to find a trace of pity on a right-wingers face when the INS deports a father or mother. When I see all those bright, young "anchor babies", and compare them to some of their suburban and rural cohorts, I cannot help but think that a rational immigration policy would probably make some unexpected choices in which ones should be deemed "American".

I propose that we have a national citizenship exam for children at age 5, testing them on IQ, language skills, cultural competency and athletic ability. (The Bush administration has blazed the trail on this one with the over-the-top testing requirements in "No Child Left Behind".) We then decide who gets to stay and who gets deported. It's incredibly simple, really.

Of course, not everybody is at their best at age 5, so I propose that every 15 years, thereafter, we have a retest. This retest could include more categories than the test for 5 year-olds, and reflect more American values, such as appreciation of our Consitution and maybe a section on "Judeo-Christian values" (they're not actually described in the Constitution, but everyone knows they are the foundation of our country, right?). Willingness to join the military could be a bonus question. We deport the bottom 10%, and replace them with the top 10% of the applicant pool. That way, our country will be constantly improving, and those deported will ultimately be happier, anyhow, as they find countries where they fit in better.

I'm not one to toot my own horn, but let me state clearly that this is the absolute best solution to our immigration issues. This plan is focused on what is best for America. The only downside I can see is that it would split up families and communities, and cause people's lives to be disrupted, but we're already over that concern. We already do that, and most anti-immigrationists are enthusiastic about doing more of it! So, let's roll!

If you fail to see the brilliance of my proposal, I suspect you're going to have a tough time with your test . . .