My Personal Primary

This is an unseemly part of the election cycle, when states like Iowa and New Hampshire fight for the extra attention attendant on being the first voters in the nomination of the Republican and Democratic tickets. The result of all this nonsense is that bad ideas that appeal to Iowans get taken seriously, and every diner and American Legion hall in the state gets visited by men and women who would normally not touch down in Iowa unless the Iowa Air National Guard scambled both its crop dusters to force their plane down.

Iowans are the spoiled brats of American politics. I've never met an American president - Iowans meet every single candidate when they go to the grocery store, and get snippy if the candidates don't know them by their first names. Ideas like ethanol subsidies would be laughed out of a rational congress, but they are part of our political landscape because both parties' leadership wants to appeal to the farmers in overalls that serve as the face of corporate farms in Iowa.

I want that kind of attention, and I've devised a plan to get it. I am announcing that the Gonemild Primary will be held on January 7, 2008 - a full week before the Iowa caucuses. That will give the campaigns a week to spin the results (winners trumpet them, losers dismiss them, and the pack finds strengths to be built upon . . .) before the Iowans get there shot. Between now and that day, I'll be available on a first ask, first serve basis to show up at barbecues and county fairs, where politicians of both parties can fawn over me and listen to my most innane babblings.

While most regular readers have probably detected a subtle democratic bias on this site, I want to assure the national media that the Gonemild Primary will have results for both Republicans and Democrats. Some may wonder exactly how the mechanics of this will work, since I'm the only person "in" Gonemild. Well, you'll just have to trust me that the process is fair and rational, and a good deal easier to understand than the Iowa Caucus system. As for the predictive value of my results, I 100% guaranty that they will be at least as accurate as the process that nominated Harkin, Gephardt and Bush the Elder over Reagan.

Just so that nobody will question my integrity, I should announce that I will NOT be accepting direct bribes for this service. I will accept free meals, though, and I will gently hint that candidates who favor subsidies for craft brewing and tax rebates for parents with two children in college will probably do better than those who refuse to take those positions. Oh, yeah, and getting out of that Iraq thing, too.

Local TV and radio stations may submit cash gifts to express their gratitude to me for the obscene amounts of ad revenue they will be receiving.

Oh, yeah, a final hint before the process starts. My lawn needs mowing, and it would be a fine photo op for a candidate trying to lose that "Eastern elite" taint. I'm looking at you, Romney and Biden. Get on it.